The Martian (2016)
This is the film where Sebastian Stan holds a baby. Some other stuff happens too, I think, but I blacked out as soon as I saw him cradling an infant and I can’t remember my own name.

Matt Damon spends his long vacation in space making vlogs to amuse himself and shitting on disco music. He uses that shit to grow potatoes and colonize Mars. It turns out you can fix nearly any problem with duct tape and tarp, everyone chats to each other through NASA AIM, and Troy Barnes saves the day (sans Abed). Also, Matt Damon decorates his workspace with pictures of Sebastian Stan. He has good taste.
Sebacting: 6/10
I want to rate higher since he delivers an excellent performance as always, but there isn’t much opportunity for range. He mostly wears an expression of convincing trepidation, though a few times he smiles. There is no scowling but he does look up through his lashes a few times, so thank you Ridley Scott.
Sebstan Presence: 3/10
He’s in it infrequently but when he is onscreen, his eyes are very blue and his hair is soft. He wears a cozy sweater at one point and a well-fitting t-shirt at another, all while pressing his lips together in that near-purse thing that he does. I know you know what I mean.
Of course, there are a few moments where he’s just casually drifting around in OPEN SPACE, holding onto the space ship and occasionally LETTING GO OF IT like it’s NO BIG DEAL. In those moments I felt vaguely ill, since if anyone should drift off carelessly into space, it should be the pootatoe farmer and not Romania’s national treasure.
Is It Worth It?
Yes. It’s a long movie so prepare yourself, but Matt Damon says “Fuck you, Mars” and validates us all by calling Sebastian Stan handsome. It’s also a triumph of the human spirit or whatever. Plus, Kate Mara kisses Sebstan’s space helmet and it’s cute.
Final: 8/10 Sebstans
